journey.

What does a day hold? For all of us it's more than just a mere twenty-four hours. Within it lies the opportunity to live for more than self.

For me, a day can range from virtually saving a life to just hanging on by a thread trying to maintain my own.

I wear a lot of hats and I play a lot of roles in the lives of others. But some days I'm left asking - who am I to myself? Do I treat myself as well as I treat others? Do I care for my well being as much as I care for my children's? Who or what am I living for? At the end of the line what will my life have meant?

Then some serious self-talk kicks in...

"Overwhelmed or overworked, wherever life finds you, your life holds meaning. It's not on accident that you appeared on this celestial ball. It was on purpose... and to the max. "

I have to remind myself daily that I am more than the sum of my accomplishments. I am more than a dollar I can earn, a child I can sanely raise, or the reflection I see in the mirror. I am a soul and I have heart. Passion can either drive me to reach for more, or the fear of failure can crumble my ambitious heart.

It is a frightening thing to be know for who I fully am. It's terrifying to become vulnerable to another, because to be fully known means either one of two things can happen: 1) to be fully loved or 2) to be utterly rejected.

I would say that just a few short years ago I would have told you that there is only one who can fully love and fully know me- that is Jesus. As I age, as I become more cynical... and life hands me poop sandwiches... the less sure I am of this answer.

I know God loves me and that he made me "on purpose" and for a purpose. These things I am sure of.

Where I begin to waiver is the understanding, or lack thereof, for who or whom I am living for. Is it for self-gain, self-interest, self-ambition, or worse... self-defeat?

I am an observer. I watch people and make loosely-based conclusions about the divine based on what I see in people's lives. Over my years I have seen dedicated believers, fellow Christians and well-meaning God-lovers come and go. I have witnessed good people fall victim to bad people. I have witnessed bad people change and fall in love with God. I have seen godly men take advantage of people, power and possessions. I have seen churches fight, churches split, and families ruined. I've seen women radically come to Christ and change the course of their entire families. I've seen impoverished people blindly love a God who doesn't even provide them with enough "daily bread" to fill their bellies. I've seen groups of privileged people lay down their desires and live among the needy. Prayers go unanswered and unspoken prayers answered. 

I've also witnessed miracles in the emotional, physical and spiritual realms. I've seen the hand of God split the impossible and make our best laid efforts look like child's play when he moves mountains. I've heard the voice of God, the touch of the spirit and the comfort of the Lord. I've been lifted out of the pit of depression and brought out from under the shadow of fear.

How can I, then, deny that God's hand is evidently upon my life? I've not known a joy that compares to knowing Jesus intimately and wholly. Not even the most exhilarating moments I've experienced in life-seeking adventure and wealth can compare to the feeling of curling up in Abba's loving and capable arms.

If I'm not an accident, what is my purpose? Is God real? Does He care? Does He know I'm here? If so... then what does He require of me?

These are the answers I'm on a mission to discover. I won't be afraid of what I might find. Honestly and earnestly seeking the answers will surely leave me a little bruised, a little more jaded, but perhaps a little less disgruntled with Christianity and the people of faith called The Church. Hopefully... I'll be more pleasantly surprised versus unwittingly doubtful.

Death to hopelessness. I will ruin confusion. I will conquer the defeat of status-quo. I want to see God once again in a way unlike before: intensely. I want to see God under his spotlight and not behind the smoke and mirror show created by religious institutions. No more looking for answers to life's biggest questions under the guise of cult-like religions and faith groups.

It's you and me, God. Can you hear me? Because I'm listening.

People over possessions
Experiences over treasures
Self-discovery over self-infatuation
Lending a hand over getting a leg up

timing is everything.

Timing... it's a booger.

I hate spring forward, but I love the extra hour of daylight at the end of a long workday. Driving to work today watching the sun come up made me feel wonderfully small in the scheme of this great big planet that keeps on spinning. Getting my kiddos ready for school this morning my daughter observed "Mom... it's still dark out! Why are we awake?" Good question, beautiful girl. 

I've been protesting timing during this season of my life. See, I'm a planner. As spontaneous as I would like to claim to be, I do have a slight issue with meticulously planning out my calendar. I think it boils down to a illogical fear of a blank little square that represents a day. This past year I have actually had to work at the discipline of recreation. 

Praying for God to hurry up, praying for God to slow things down. I just can't seem to find the balance. I'm rarely satisfied with His timing. Stubborn as an ox, I sometimes blaze my way through big (and small) decisions. 

In making plans, timing is everything. Isn't it? 

Dinner? 

Sure! 

What time? 

Take a vacation? 

Sure! 

When will it be? 

Change career paths?

You betcha!

When do we start?

While suffering I'm quick to beg for relief. When times are good and the sailing is smooth I never have cried "uncle." 

Have you ever waited for something for what seemed like an eternity? Have you begged for an answer to prayer and felt like it was falling on capable yet unresponsive ears? I have. And more times than I'd like to admit I've taken my fate into my own shaky hands. 

How does the old adage go? "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself." 

Well I've got a sassy answer for that... NOPE. 

Not when it comes to following Jesus. That's the beauty in the pain and struggle of waiting on the Lord's timing. As a friend laughingly said yesterday, "God doesn't ever seem to be in a hurry." Geesh oh Pete, I'm always in a hurry. I'm a fast reader, fast talker, fast runner, fast typist (I laid out this blog in no time flat), fast thinker, fast cleaner, fast cook, fast coffee drinker, fast texter, fast list-maker, (aaaaand done!). Frequently pleading my kids, "Hurry up," "Let's go," "PUT SOME DIESEL ON IT!"

Timing. It's a booger. 

You know what God says about endurance in the waiting... that it develops character. Character isn't developed over an hour. Maturity doesn't happen overnight. Wisdom isn't gained in a day

Romans 5:4 "And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."

This is either really good or really disheartening news. Today I'm like a racehorse restless in the starting gate. I want that sucker to fly open so I can run full speed.

Rather... Sit. Pray. Just do what Christ has set before me TODAY.

God is never late, and he's seldom early. Trusting in his perfect timing today.

"Can you spare a few bucks?"

Mercy triumphs over judgement. 

It was a normal weekday evening for the kids and I. We had just pulled into the parking lot at the YMCA when I was approached by a woman who appeared worn down and exhausted. She politely asked me if I had any cash I could spare so that she could get some gas for her car. 

See, when you're a parent you always have an audience. My little humans were watching this exchange between the woman and I, and I wanted to do right by God and by my children. The woman went on to explain that she was in poor health and was unable to reach any of her family members by phone to get help. All she needed was a few bucks to fill her tank to make it home. 

My response: "I honestly don't have any cash on me, otherwise I would help you! However... why don't I follow you to the gas station and I'll fill your tank?"

Woman: "Um, I could never ask you to do that (shocked look on her face)." 

Me: "You didn't ask... I offered. Where are you parked? I'll swing around and follow you to the gas station and use my debit card."

Woman: "I'm in the red car over there (points)."

I get back into the car and drive over to where she is parked. She backs out of her spot and I notice she is driving towards me. She pulls up next to me and motions for me to roll down my window. 

What happened next floored me. Absolutely took my breath away...

She says with tears streaming down her cheeks, "M'am, I straight up lied to you. I can't take your money, nor do I need gas. I have a full tank." Without hesitation I respond, "It's okay. Guess what? I love Jesus and I really think He's chasing you down with His love today." She begins to cry harder and says that today was the first time she had prayed in a long time. She is apologizing over and over, the guilt apparent in her face. I felt such compassion and even admiration for her repentant heart. I looked deeply into her eyes and said the words: "I forgive you." 

As she drove away the skies opened up and a torrential rain pours down and into my open car window. I'm crying by this point, thanking God in prayer for that precious moment He gifted me with. 

See, I've been struggling to forgive myself, to let God's grace penetrate my weathered heart. Forgiveness was the "word of the day" on that ordinary Monday. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Everytime. When God's grace reaches a heart, darkness and shame run for the hills. 

So why retell this story? Is it to put myself on display? To tell you just how awesome I am? NO. I tell this story because my faith came to vibrant life that evening through that random (maybe not random at all!) moment. 

It really is so much better to give than to receive. I walked away with a full heart and she drove away with an already full tank of gas... and a clean conscience. 

"fake it 'till you make it"

Identity.

This word has been tossing and turning in my heart as I awake into Monday morning. I'm determined to get to the bottom of what Jesus is teaching me in this season of life, but as I've quickly discovered... it must be in His timing.

Rushing into an identity isn't a true identity after all. Chances are it will change a few hundred times if not placed firmly in the rock that is Christ. (Pardon me while I do some self-talk... Hear this, dear heart: let God define you. Let Jesus bring you through the valley. Don't run ahead, don't look back. Just be. Don't identify with fear. Don't identify with worry. Don't identify with anxiety. Don't identify with anything other than the sweet deep-rooted knowledge of God's love for you. Are you hearing me, heart?)

I can't "fake it until I make it" when it comes to letting Christ mold and shape the ever so delicate heart within me that is desperate to know the ending to this story. If I derive my identity from this temporary carnal world, I will miss out on the tremendous gift that only serving Christ offers. Money, pleasure, popularity, beauty, respect, adventure... even as appealing as these things are- they fall incredibly short of the reward of knowing my God deeply and intimately.

The pastor at my church delivered a knock-out sermon yesterday morning. It was so moving and powerful that it was all I could do to hold back tears of joy because I knew it was a divine appointment that I heard this message. Ever had one of those moments?

She reminded that at times we calculate our present situations without Jesus in mind. She said two nuggets of wisdom that caused me to hit the pause button on my fretting (which I've done a LOT of these days):

"Can we give thanks to Jesus while our miracle in in transit?"

Yes. Yes, I can. I will wait on the Lord every day, every minute, every second. Wait on the Lord.

"Our memories are so short term for the provisions of Jesus." 

Yep. I've failed to remember and recognize when Jesus blew the roof of my wildest dreams and gave me more than I deserved... salvation, to start with.

Just like the story of the miracle of fishes and loaves in John 6:1-13, Jesus will fill us to overflowing if we let Him. Remember, heart, to return to the source.

Draw your identity from Jesus alone. Don't try to fake it until you make it.

"Just love people."

This afternoon was like any other Sunday afternoon. I was out running errands and gathering supplies for tonight's youth group meeting. I remembered I needed to fill up the tank for the week and stopped at the gas station. I was preoccupied with trying to remember my list for the store while my gas was being pumped (thanks, Jersey for that little joy- not having to pump my own gas!). It was raining like mad outside and I was watching the world pass by me through rain soaked windows from within a warm comfy car. Then I saw him.

To my left was sight I won't soon forget. I saw an old van with the side door open and a man moving about within the vehicle as if he were gathering something. I noticed he was sitting on the floor of his van which I thought was unusual. Then I saw him lower down onto the ground a wheelchair as the rain continued to pour. He shuffled toward the edge of the van door... and then I saw he was without legs. He was moving around by using his arms. He lowered himself onto his wheel chair and then I saw his dog peek out to see what his master was doing. Then he attached a rope to his collar and tied the other end of the rope to his chair.  

By this time the gas attendant was knocking on my window to signal me to roll it down in order to give me my receipt. He catches my gaze and notices where I've been staring and looks at the man and he watches the man for a moment too. It was if time had stood still when I was watching this all unfold. 

I don't know this man's name. I don't know his story, although I would desperately like to. I don't know where he is from, if he's local or if he's just passing through. What I do know is this--- God's spirit within me was convicting me for being selfish. I won't say something cliche like I don't know how good I have it when compared to this man. It goes much deeper than that.

I will say this- I've been selfish. Yeah, selfish. I had lost my perspective and Christ faithfully restored it to me today. 

It seems I've been caught up in my own circumstances, my own concerns, my own "needs." God spoke to me and said, "Just love people." My heart within me leaped at the sound of God's voice. I have been desperate for his touch, for his wisdom. I was searching for the wrong answer, or maybe I was asking the wrong questions. 

The longer I walk with God the more I realize how REALLY desperate I am for Him. I'm a mess without Christ. Just when I think I have this whole discerning God's will thing down, He is so faithful to remind me of the simple yet too easily forgotten call of every Christian- "love people." Can I just stop complicating it now? Jesus, take my heart, my will, my all. 

Humble Pie

I'm really thankful that God loves me enough to make sure I'm humbled time and time again. Learning to embrace the experiences that will inevitably humble me has been something I've had plenty of chances to practice lately. I have a choice when my ego is slightly hurt, a bit mangled or even brutally murdered: will I stand my ground cross my arms and grit my teeth? Will I get all bent out of shape and demand that justice be served? Or will I take a deep breath and push the pause button?

My dad shared a great nugget of wisdom with me a few months back about humility. He said, "People humiliate us. God humbles us." Such depth in that, isn't there?

I'm not advocating a victim mentality here. On the contrary! I refuse to refuse to take responsibility for my actions, my thoughts, my sin. When my ego takes a hit I'm given a divine moment to pause and consider how this situation can humble me with God's help. In struggles or setbacks therein lies a tremendous opportunity to grow.

Check out Moses in Numbers chapter 12. He is described this way, "Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth" (Num. 12:3). Whaaat? That's incredible. Now rewind to the book of Exodus and read of Moses killing an Egyptian solider because he thought he'd take matters into his own hands. He was defending his people (the Hebrew people who were still in captivity under the rule of Pharaoh) so he thought. Moses acted with his heart and his head disconnected. Then what did he do? He fled. He got the heck out of town because Pharaoh was out seeking revenge.

Fast forward. Moses had plenty of time to be humbled in the wilderness where he lived for a while. He felt humiliated by his peers and his behavior in Egypt, but God used it to humble him. See? It wasn't until Moses was humbled and pliable that God could then rescue an entire nation through him. I'm of course skipping a lot of crazy events that unfolded in Moses' life between the time he fled Egypt and then again when he returned to bring the boom with God's guidance and power.

So just how did Moses then become the man described as "the most humble person on the face of the earth?" He let God define him- not his failures nor his peers. He knew God was and he wasn't. He became so broken and humbled before God that he even took some convincing even when he heard, "Let's do this" (super-duper paraphrasing here) when staring into the very presence of God in the burning bush. Exodus 3 is crazy awesome, people. Read it!

I'm going to keep letting God humble me even when I feel humiliated. I may not get it on the first, second, or even third try. But, I'm pretty sure God will let me retake that test until I pass.

Today I'm walking in the confidence of who God is and who I am not.

temper-tantrum much?

Centered. 

Grounded.

Content.

Assured. 

vs.

Scattered.

Flippant.

Discontent.

Restless.

I'll admit I don't reflect the person described in the first list as much as I would like. At times it feels like I'm a perfect description of the second list and desperately trying to get away from that person... about as successfully as I can run away from my shadow! As I grow to know Jesus more deeply and see His great beauty and perfection I can't help but recognize what a mess I am without Him. And that, my friends, is a joyous relief. 

When life throws curve balls it's my human tendency to want to pound the ground, pitch a fit, and scream like a toddler. But as an adult, those behaviors aren't exactly "socially acceptable" for someone my age. (But boy, wouldn't it be nice if sometimes we could get away with a freebie "temper-tantrum-toddler" day? I mean seriously, if there is a "Talk Like a Pirate" day, why can't we have "Whine Like a Baby" day?)

When unexpected things happen or something doesn't pan out the way I had hoped, I do what any other self-respecting mature adult would do: I get grumpy. I tell God "that's not fair" or worse, I try to re-imagine my life if I had my way in everything. Ever let bitterness take root in your heart? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Suddenly you start looking a lot more like the second set of words up there. Yep. 

Jesus has been speaking volumes to me on this. Sometimes I laugh and ask Him when I'm going to finally get it and start living freely in His grace and love. Everyday we get a choice as Christians- will Jesus have His way in my life? Will I place Him before all else ('bae" for all you teens out there.) Or... or will I be scattered in my priorities, flippant to a person whom I called to love, let discontentment steal my joy, or grow restlessness in my heart? Try these words from Paul on for size... 

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13 NLT)

Bam. Is Jesus alive and well in my heart? If yes, then I'm at home. Home is where you can rest, put your feet up and be free to be you. With Jesus I am at home. Circumstances don't have a grip on me anymore. Suddenly circumstances lose their power to control my mood, my attitude, or my outlook. Simply put... Jesus loves me and that's all I need. I don't need to get my way to be happy. Nope. I need Jesus to have His way. Heck, I don't even have to be successful in life to find happiness. All I need is for Jesus to be at home in my heart.

Have your way in my heart, Jesus. Clear the discontentment away with a wave of your peace and love. Let me rest in being sold-out to your direction that spans the length of eternity. 

counting the cost

As I lay here on my air mattress on the second floor of Broad Street Ministry in the heart of Philly my head and heart swim with thoughts of God, love, and truth. 

Working here among the community of this group of ordinary radicals that daily put others needs before their own causes me to pause and consider myself in light of what I'm witnessing. Go with me on this... When Jesus spoke in Luke 14:26 he used some pretty strict language: 

"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple." 

Counting the cost of fervent pursuit of Christ is sobering. Living a life that forsakes all of our human desires and worldly pursuits in order to place Jesus will be a constant struggle between flesh and spirit. I wrestle with this on a daily basis. Am I going to keep to the confines of my self perceived comfort zone? Or am I going to follow Christ at all costs? 

When God rescued me at the age of 14 I knew that I was in for the most adventurous life I could possibly live- all in humble loving submission to Jesus my Savior. God's grace continues to amaze me more and more in light of what I mess I am without Him. The only thing that's good in me is Jesus. 

I was texting with my dad the other night about theology, following Jesus, and discerning God's will (you know, the usual texting conversations- hah). I was expressing how I struggle between wanting to follow Christ no matter what, and the nagging human heart that beats inside me to a selfish march onward to self-gratification. What a real struggle that is for (I would venture to say) most Christians. 

So back to the passage in Luke- one commentary reads, "no earthly affection, must ever come into competition with the love of God." Alright. I will most certainly have to submit to this daily, even hourly. God didn't promise us comfort- in fact, he guarantees trials (James chapter 1, honey). 

Counting the cost of a life lived for God is a good and faith-building practice, yes. But to that I would also say- counting the cost of not following Christ is far more sobering and humbling. It gives a lot of eternal perspective. 

complicated simplicity.

As I sat down for breakfast with my kids this morning and grabbed my daily devotional book to read and spend time with Jesus, I casually said aloud "Let's see what Jesus wants to say today." 

My son didn't skip a beat when he replied with exuberance, "Jesus wants us to worship Him today!" 

We've all heard the idiom "out of the mouths of babes..." haven't we? Did you know that comes from a verse in Matthew in the Bible? Check it out:

And said unto him, Do you hear what these say? And Jesus said unto them, Yea; have you never read, Out of the mouth of babes and infants you have perfected praise? (Matt. 21:16)

I've been having this problem that maybe you can relate to. My head has been swimming this past month... thoughts of ministry, thoughts of feeding His sheep (as he commands all disciples to do if they love Him), thoughts of how to make waves for the Kingdom, thoughts of loving people with the kind of furious love Jesus shows, thoughts of how I can better get out of the way and let Jesus shine brighter in our youth ministry, thoughts of how to connect people to deep relationships with one another that create an environment ripe for discipleship,thoughts of how I want to live my life for Jesus to the very last minute, thoughts of Christ's passion for redemption, thoughts of how to be filled daily with the Holy Spirit, and the list goes on and on. Huge thoughts. Stuff that keeps me awake at night and dedicated to prayer.

Sometimes... wait, no MOST times I complicate things that are meant to remain simple. Is this ever the case for you? I think we as humans are good at that. For instance, let's look at the modern day Christian church. Our church's mission statement: Be Disciples, Make Disciples. Concise, easy to understand, boom. Okay... so I'm left asking Jesus, "How do we do this?"

Owen answered it this morning, didn't he? He responded with such sincerity and almost like a "duh, I'm surprised you didn't already know that, Mom." attitude.

Worship Him. That's what God wants me to do today. Concise, easy to understand, boom. A life lived for Christ and full of His power will outlive itself. Love that envelops even the darkest of injustices. That, my friends, is unstoppable.

Theology, technology, method-ology church-ology, currciculum-ology, program-ology, (and any other "ology" that I just made up) standing alone won't get anyone any closer to Jesus if they are still wandering around in the dark. Let Jesus turn the lights on! Jesus didn't build an empire and then sit back and wait for others to come to Him. He got his feet dirty and walked among us. He was homeless, a radical, a ground shaker, a healer, a lover, a jealous God on an eternal mission. And what's more... he didn't just get His feet dirty... He washed our dirty feet (an act of total humility that modeled for us what it means to minister with a servant's heart. Matt. 26)

So what motivates a heart to worship Jesus? Love. Perfect, radical, unconditional, ruthless, fearless, I-will-pursue-you-to-the-end LOVE.

When I think of my Savior, my sin that held him to the cross, the debt He paid that I could not, and all that He is to me... I cannot help but worship Him. That I will lovingly term "I-am-not-but-He-is-ology." I am dedicating my life to the study of Jesus and His vast love for humanity that is unparalleled.

That's what Jesus wanted to say to me (and maybe you) today. 

Be in the moment

Have you ever been so deep in conversation that instead of being a good listener all you could think about was what you planned on saying next? Almost as though you’re planning your next move, or preparing for your turn to speak? Maybe I’m alone in this. Maybe not. Sometimes my mind races to the next minute rather than sitting still in the moment. 

In Luke 21, Jesus is pulling back the curtain, so to speak, on what is to come. Some of the followers that were with Him would face great persecution for their faith in Jesus as the Messiah. He said to them in verse 12, “You will be dragged into synagogues and prisons, and you will stand trial before kings and governors because you are my followers." Can you imagine what your response may have been if you were one of the original hearers of this foretelling? Heavy indeed! Maybe you would start counting the cost? 

Jesus is saying to us as believers that we will face persecution, rejection, divided families and friendships, and trials because of our commitment to Jesus. He goes on to encourage in the next breath: “But this will be your opportunity to tell them about me. So don’t worry in advance about how to answer the charges against you, for I will give you the right words and such wisdom that none of your opponents will be able to reply or refute you!" 

So here it is… Jesus is saying don’t worry how to answer. When I read this, I think to myself “Sure, don’t worry how to answer. Got it. Don’t think ahead to your next move. Don’t try to get the last word. Got it. Sigh I know myself and … that’s not going to be easy.”  

Jesus is promising that the Holy Spirit will give guidance in the moments that we face. He promises that the words He gives us will be right and full of wisdom… so much so that no one will be able to refute them! Why is it that I continue to try to think “one step ahead” of Jesus? Anyone else relate to that? I’ve spent hours on my knees asking Jesus for direction, revelations, His will, etc. Jesus is telling us in verse 13 that when we face trials, disagreements, broken hearts… this, my friend, is a joyful opportunity to tell people of Jesus. To know the very heart of God far outweighs preserving my own life.

The Holy Spirit will guide our words. The Creator of the Universe knows our next move before we can even plan it … and still loves us still. Be in the moment with Jesus. (Like we tell our teens in Ignite… be with the people you’re with i.e. unplug from your electronics!) Stand firm in your faith trusting in God’s kingdom come.

Don’t think, “If my Christian life only looked more like this or that, then Jesus would love me or guide me.”  I encourage you to pray for more of Jesus this week. Pray for more of the Holy Spirit in your life. Seek Jesus before you plan your next move, sentence, or breath for that matter. I’m right there with you, family. I need the Holy Spirit to guide more than I need to be understood by those around me. I need Jesus more than I need my reputation to be intact. I need God’s love more and more every day. 

Stand firm in your faith. Stand sure that the Holy Spirit can guide your next move. Kneel humbly before your God. Jesus faced unthinkable hardships just a few chapters later… yet He took the time to encourage us. Undeserved grace, indeed. 

Lay It Down

It stopped me dead in my tracks. In the middle of my kiddo's breakfast clean up and play-doh chaos, I heard it. 

I promise I'm not trying to be dramatic. When I heard this song beautifully float through the air in my home (courtesy of Pandora radio) this morning, I had no choice but to stop and steep in the lyrics and beautiful simplicity of this melody. Watch the live performance: Matt Maher "Lay It Down" 

This song completely embodies the prayer my hopelessly human heart needed to pray today. 

See, I've been hiding from God lately. Hiding, but not in the sense of running from Him. No... that's not the case. I've been hiding from his grace. Crazy, right? Why would I ever hide from God's immense love and stain removing grace? I have the unconditional love of the Savior covering me, so why does my wayward heart choose to "hunker down" and continue in joy-quenching self criticism? 

Jesus wants our all. Not just some... our everything. He wants our joy, our blessings, our hurt, our disappointments, our sin, and to silence the voices in your head that tell you you're not good enough. The only way that we can live in his truth is to give Him the lies we've been holding onto. 

No act of sacrifice for Jesus can mask His grace for me. Trying harder to have Billy Graham-type faith won't get me there. Even faith is a gift of grace from Jesus. See? I'm left holding nothing to offer Jesus even despite my best efforts... and that's the way it should be. 

Everything I am, everything I long to be... I lay it down at Your feet. 

Grace fell like rain on my parched soul today. Thank you, Jesus, that I have nothing to offer you but my life. Thank you, Jesus, that you never stop even when we foolishly say "time-out" to your love. 

Lay it down with me, friends, and let's make our hands empty so that we are ready to receive more of Jesus. 

Snow day

This winter has been so exciting for me. I haven't seen snow in almost 10 years, and boy are we getting plenty of it! 

But it's not the snow in particular that I'm childishly happy about... it's just being in the place that God called us to that's way more exciting and thoroughly satisfying than even the most perfect snow angel. 

(winter fashion courtesy of my pastor's family and my jacket is literally from when I was in middle school)

It's hard to believe that I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of being at Woodstown Presbyterian Church. I know it sounds cliche, but it really feels like we rolled into Woodstown just last week! The church has been so helpful and welcoming to my family and I. It's not always easy moving to a new area with a "small town" ring to it. God has been reassuring me that this is my mission field- as is the whole world to all believers! 

And what can I say about the youth ministry here? It's been incredible. In word, this year has been immersion. Immersion into the teen culture of south Jersey, immersion into God's calling us deeper into his presence, immersion into living life that's rich in mission, immersion into the reality of eternity, immersion into a close-knit community of young people. 

The young people in my youth ministry (Ignite is the name of our group) are unlike any other teens I've ministered to. These teens have such expectant hearts, and by that I mean they aren't willing to settle for status-quo Christianity. They want to see, feel, touch, taste, and smell God. Yes, God has a smell. Just ask my best friend who did a whole sermon on that once!! 

My students want to be motivated to action, and time after time I've watched them rise to the challenge- whether it was painting curbs in the heart of Camden, raking leaves for families in the area, or taking up the call to go on mission in the Dominican Republic. And, this summer we are excited to be planning a week-long mission in the heart of Philly partnering with a church who excels in homeless ministry. They are thrilled at the idea of sleeping on the floor in a hot church, traveling by public transportation every day to the various worksites around the city, and living alongside the "least of these" that Jesus loves and wants us to love. They are THRILLED! 

I absolutely love their enthusiasm and honesty. This year has been immersion into relationships, and that's the way I love doing ministry. That's the way Jesus did it, right? Isn't that the phrase we use to describe a more than mediocre Christian life? We want a relationship with Jesus! 

My team of youth leaders are in word: incredible. I love every one of them, and I love doing what I do because it frees them up to solidifying heart connections with their small group students. The generosity they show to the ministry is inspiring- their time, thoughtfulness, resources, prayer--- it's the best a youth director could ever ask for!! I'm praising God for them because they make this ministry what it is. They are the peanut butter to my jelly. 

I just had a funny closing thought. My personality tends to see the glass half-empty (as some would say), and so really one of the few times I get this excited and positive is when I'm thinking about my youth ministry. That's how you know this is my calling--- it energizes me! That's just a little insight into what Jeff would say is my tendency toward being a pessimist, but I argue back that I'm just a realist. Hah! 

The reality of WPC and Ignite is that God is on the move among our church body. Hearts are being healed, lives are being filled with God's beauty and truth, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be a part of that. Snow and all, I love my church. 

"act a fool"

"Act a fool" as defined by the urban dictionary: "To stop acting rationally and start acting foolishly; to go nuts." I believe it was Ludacris that made this term pretty popular a while back... hehe. 

But he didn't coin the phrase. Nope...

"Act a fool" as defined by the Bible (my own paraphrasing of 1 Corinthians 1:27-29, look it up): deliberately choosing the things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. Choosing the powerless to shame the powerful. Choosing the despised things instead of the seemingly important things.

Yes... I stop acting rationally and start acting foolishly quite a bit. Just ask my kids and husband for that matter. Last night was one of those times. 

I went "off script" a bit at youth group with my senior highers last night. Ever have butterflies when you know you should say something but can't work up the courage to do it? One of my adult youth leaders phrases it like this: "shoulda', coulda', woulda'." Don't resist the urge to speak when you know you should. All in love, of course. 

I had an incredible time with God in prayer a few weeks back. Nothing like I've experienced before. Risking sounding like a fool, I shared this with my youth group last night. 

God's been doing some pretty wild things in my life lately. A surge of the Spirit has been felt in and among my family, my church, my youth. For three years now God has been reminding me that His ways are going to seem foolish. His ways are not going to be what my first logical choice may be. We are to love the unlovable. To reach the unreachable. To listen to the fools. Heck, to be fools for God.

Carefully calculating is not nearly as exciting as free-falling into God's story. Acting rationally will only get predictable, safe, (in my opinion) boring results. 

When I was a teen, I wanted to be a rebel with a cause. When I was in college, I wanted to be an intellect. When I was a young married woman, I wanted to be Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart (I even bought a super cute apron). When I became a young mom, I wanted to be the perfect Christian for my kid's sake.  I'm tired of trying to be a smart put-together Christian. 

Because the truth is I'm a fool for Christ. I invite you to try "act a fool" once in a while with God. 

"No stopping except for repairs!"

I saw a road sign this morning while driving on the turnpike that read: "No Stopping Except for Repairs."

At church we're about to embark on 33 Days of Prayer starting off with an entire week of unbroken prayer- I'm talking 24/7! Needless to say, I've been doing a lot of thinking about prayer and how it works. When I saw that road sign early this morning it suddenly occurred there is a great connection between that sign and our prayer lives. 

Do I only stop to pray when I'm in need of repair? When tragedy strikes, when illness occurs, when a big life decision pops up? The Bible says "rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thess. 5:16-18). Or in Ephesians 6 it says "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people." 

So am I only stopping to talk to God when I need something or when I feel like a repair is needed? How about talking to God all the time "with all kinds of prayers and requests?" When we view prayer as "for emergency use only" we are missing the heart of prayer. Or more like missing the heart of God. 

See, prayer isn't so much about us... sure we have a role in that conversation with God, but the awesome thing about prayer is it gives us a look into God's heart. You may have heard the saying "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak," right? Go with me on this... I'm not trying to oversimplify it ... but the same goes for when we talk with God. 

I can honestly say that some of the most meaningful times of prayer in my own life have been when I am silent and simply listen for God's voice. Yes, God does want us to stop and ask for help when we need repair... but He has so much more to show us beyond those times! 

Think about it: the Creator of the universe wants to speak with you, show you things about yourself, your life, and the world that you never dreamed of! He wants to tell you that He loves you, that He wants you to love others, and invite you on a a crazy adventure of living for Him daily.

I want to hear God's voice more than I hear my own in prayer!

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Ever have one of those days when you'd like to break every mirror in your house? If it weren't for the whole 7 years of bad luck thing, I think today would have been that day for me. 

Later this evening my thoughts drifted to a passage in James that has always held huge personal meaning for me. I did a Bible study on James earlier this year with a great group of young ladies back in Florida at my previous home church. The leader lovingly called James' writing style "Christianity in blue jeans." James is currently one of my favorite books in the New Testament because of his straight-to-the-point message. If you don't like what James is writing that's good... because it means you're probably about to move from conviction to repentance. At least that's been the case for me time and time again. 

So here is the particular passage about spending too much (or not enough in this case) time looking in the "mirror:" 

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don’t act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action. (James 1:22-24, The Message)

So if I hear (comprehend, believe, absorb) the Word of God BUT fail to act (obey, submit, deny oneself) then I'm like a well... let's face it... James is calling me an idiot. Hah! That's pretty straight-forward wouldn't you say?

The question I'm left asking myself is this: "Which mirror am I using to see myself clearly?" When God's truth is revealed we are to act on it. Grab it and don't let go. We spend WAY too much time trying to frantically arrange the pieces of our puzzle (aka LIFE) to make it all fit nicely when thankfully God comes on the scene... and you know what happens? He shows us that we've only been putting together just a tiny portion of the whole picture. In fact, He may even take our neat little puzzle and flip it onto the floor and start over from scratch because we were limiting His gift of power in us! Can I get an amen?! That's exactly what we experienced over the last few years, and now it is with great assurance (and completely by God's grace) that I can say I'm glad He did it.

These couple verses contain a promise- that if we stick with it ("it" being obeying Christ) then we "will find delight and affirmation in the action." Wow. How many decisions that I've made on my own can I claim gave me 100% delight and affirmation? Maybe for a short time, yes. Kinda like sporting your fanciest duds, taking a glance in the mirror and thinking to yourself, "Man, I sure do look good!" Only once you get outside you realize it's 5,000 degrees and you're wearing a turtleneck and corduroy pants. All that effort for nothing. But who wears turtlenecks and corduroy pants anymore? Wow, that analogy went south in a hurry. But you get the point.

I've resolved to start spending more time looking in God's mirror for a true depiction of who I am. That will leave me both encouraged and challenged to keep on doin' what the Lord asks of me. That and... maybe I'll trade in my bathroom mirror for one of those kind they put in dressing rooms of expensive clothing stores- you know what I'm talking about- the kind that make you look skinnier than you really are. Hehe.

Just be.

What would you pray for if you knew that in just a few short moments you would be captured, tortured and eventually killed? My desperate prayer would probably sound something like this.... "HELP ME! SPARE ME!" Yup... I would most likely just pray for my life. Typical human thing to do, I guess.

Tonight I was reading the prayer of someone who was in this very same circumstance... only His prayer sounded vastly different than mine would have. Here is just a part of Jesus' prayer moments before He was about to be arrested:

"My prayer is not for the world, but for those you have given me, because they belong to you. And all of them, since they are mine, belong to you; and you have given them back to me, so they are my glory! Now I am departing the world; I am leaving them behind and coming to you. Holy Father, keep them and care for them- all those you have given me- so that they will be united just as we are." - John 17:9-11

I'm humbled, amazed and overjoyed by His prayer. He isn't praying that God would spare Him. Not praying that God would save Him from the impending suffering ahead. Nope. Instead, He's praying for His beloved friends. Asking the Father to "keep them and care for them." Wow. Yet another incredible example of Jesus' relentless love for us. Even in the moments before His life was about to painfully end, He was praying for us. Can you imagine a love like this? Jesus is asking that the Father keep His followers safe... and even more He is praying that they will be united as the Son is united with the Father.

So now I'm left trying to imagine a unity among Christians that resembles the unity displayed in the Trinity and it's making my head hurt! You know what Jesus says over and over again during His ministry on earth? Love. It's love that unifies us. An unbreakable, unrelenting, unmovable love for God that will feed our love for one another.

So here's the application: do I (we) love one another so much that there is even a slight chance that in life-threatening moment I (we) would think to pray for others? How about during our very-much-still-alive moments? Are we unified in this way?

Jesus is a radical... for all the right reasons. I love that about Him. So overwhelmingly perfect, trustworthy, and more than enough. I'm praising God tonight that He's much more concerned with my "being" than my "doing." He just wants me to be unified with the Father in love. He's not preoccupied with the "stuff" of ministry like I can be sometimes.

Jesus could have been like, "Okay... you guys, make sure to unplug the iron, feed the cat, and take out the garbage." (I'm not a heretic, just trying to make a point so go with me on this one...). Stuff could have very easily been more important than the people at a time like that. But nope. Not with Jesus... because He loves us for more than just what we can do. He wants us to be like Him, not just do stuff like He did. In fact, He promised that we would do far greater things than He did (for realsies)!

So tonight I'm reminded to just be. Be love, be unified with God, be at peace in Him. He thinks that much of us.

It's okay to be both.

I had coffee with my dad tonight. We meet about once a month for our little "daddy-daughter" date and I always look forward to it. I can always bet on the fact that during our talks my dad will give me precious advice or profound wisdom about following God. Tonight I was once again struck by something he said while we were discussing the subject of change. Our emotions can be both tricky and unpredictable when trying to navigate our way through (or around) a new transition. When we are processing a perceived trial or joy, no matter what form the change comes in, we sometimes get stuck in the idea that we either have to be happy or sad. We either have to be completely content or wildly resistant. We have the tendency to want to only choose things in our lives that will bring assured happiness along the path of least resistance. It's human nature. Any other action on our part is nothing short of the divine at work within us. What my dad said tonight was so humbly profound: "It's okay to be both." (this little nugget of philosophy drawn from a sermon by Ravi Zacharias entitled "Either/Or, Both/And.")

On my drive home I began to ponder all the ways that "it's okay to be both." There are countless times when I can remember feeling two (or more) emotions simultaneously, sure. Ever cried tears of joy? How about laughing when you're nervous? I've been known to laugh when I'm really angry... it's weird, but ask my husband it's true!

So then I began to think about how "it's okay to be both" in more ways than just in our emotions. The fact that I am insufficiently adequate to be God's ambassador- that's a way that it's okay to be both. The fact that I am a sinner and saved. The fact that Jesus was both human and God incarnate. Take for instance that when it comes to being a Christian it's okay to have more questions than answers because it's all about the journey. How about something like being hopelessly abandoned to God's purposes? That's another way I'm comfortable being both. The risk of being sold out to be used by Him far outweighs the risk of wasting my life on things that don't matter- such as living only for myself! I want to be radically ordinary for God's glory. It is my life's aim to make much of Him and much less of me.

Dad, thanks for always being so profoundly obvious in our little talks. I love you.

Enough for Today

This year one of my personal goals is to read the Bible the whole way through. I chose a reading plan that would take me through it in a historically chronological progression. True confession... does it make me less spiritual that I knew I may face some difficulty reading strictly from the Old Testament for months on end? I've been wrestling with some of the more lengthy descriptive passages just this week. However, last week I was deep in the story of the Israelites wandering the desert after having been freed from captivity in Egypt. I came to a part in Exodus about a miracle of God that I know a lot of people are familiar with: the manna (or bread) from heaven. While I was reading this account of what God did to answer to plea of his desperate and wandering people, an amazing parallel to another familiar passage came to mind. First the instruction from God regarding the manna:

4 Then the Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. 5 On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days.” (Exodus 16:4-5, emphasis mine)

I was hit with the thought of how perfectly peculiar it was that God instructed them to only gather enough food for each day. On the sixth day of the week he instructed them to gather double so that they could observe the Sabbath. This principle of establishing the Sabbath and keeping it holy was further identified in the ten commandments which would come just a few chapters later.

The message that I felt God giving me through reading this familiar story was so simple and yet so poignant:

His provision is enough for today. 

Now here is the scripture my thoughts immediately turned to that parallel this same message. I thought of a passage in Matthew spoken by Jesus himself. I think many of us are very familiar with what has been termed as "The Lord's Prayer":

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.’

(Matthew 6:9-13, emphasis mine)

My faith can hold tight to the fact that God is giving me everything I need to focus on and live for him today. As much as I try to run ahead, God has been pressing into my head this truth over and over: His provision is enough for today. What I need to do is daily put my trust in God. Asking him to make my heart more and more hungry for him. Pray for the chance to love someone as a reflection of who Christ is today. I know that my future is secure because he holds tomorrow. What I need to do is be beautifully desperate for him today.

Good, pleasing, and perfect.

I've been asking myself some tough questions lately about discerning what is next for my family and I. God has put on my heart a verse in Romans that I've read many times before but somehow never paid much attention to three amazing words:

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is." Romans 12:2

The topic of discerning God's will has been on the forefront of discussion in my life lately. It seems to be a theme God is really driving home for me. This verse is very well-known in terms of being "transformed by the  renewing of your mind" (NRSV) but I also love how the NLT translation says "changing the way you think." Wow. When I ponder how difficult it can be to change the way I think... it seems nearly impossible to do. No matter how many self-help advice books we can read or how well we apply the latest pop psychology method, it can be nearly impossible to change the way we think! Our minds are complex and intricate. The way we perceive our world, our circumstances, or even God can be as complicated as the subject itself!  

Here's an perfect example: just today I was talking with other mommy friends at the park about how Owen has been biting his sister again lately. Totally unexpected behavior for his age and especially because I thought we were done with this stage! Fast forward a couple hours and what do we see? Owen, who is supposed to be washing his hands for lunch, biting his sister on the arm! So here comes the confession- it makes me angry. I mean it sends my emotions through the roof when I see the bite mark on Abby's arm/shoulder/leg/finger/head/you name it. Here's the thought process in my brain every time it happens: "Is this ever going to stop? What if he starts biting other people? How is it he can't express his frustration with words? Am I a failure as a mom? Am I meeting his needs emotionally? What if he never grows out of this? What if my friends judge me for having a "biter? What if he's a cannibal? AGH!" Seriously, my thoughts go wild and verge on the edge of being ridiculous. Ever have a moment like that? Something in your life that drives you bananas and you automatically think the worst? Jeff tells me to stop and take a deep breath before I switch on the crazy. Hah! Please tell me I'm not alone, people. 

So here is the good news: God's work of transforming the way I think (which I cannot do on my own) will lead me to the endless possibilities of knowing His will. And guess what else? That verse in Romans says His will is: good, pleasing, and perfect. How much better can it get? Nothing I could plan for my life would ever come close to being those three things, especially the perfect part! So this is what I'm beginning to understand about understanding God's will: He must be the one to clean out the junk in my heart (i.e. the way I think) so that I can fully trust that His will- when revealed- will be AMAZING. Jeff and I have really been challenged to grow in this area specifically. God keeps reminding me to strive harder after Him. Everything else is just details. And, to get the full aspect of what this verse is telling us about being transformed, it's crucial to look at the verse that proceeds: 

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice-the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask?" Romans 12:1

God wants me to be set apart. Not to conform to the world's standards. Not to look for ways to bring myself recognition. Not even to be the perfect mom (also because it's impossible). Not to fret when my son bites, but rather correct him in love. Even while doing the most good we can get lost in the doing. God will tell us what to do, it says so in verse 2. What He requires is that we offer ourselves as a living sacrifice to Him. Tall order? Yep. Absolutely fulfilling? Definitely. 

And now to steal from my favorite author, Oswald Chambers: 

' “I say to you, do not worry about your life . . . .” (Matthew 6:25) Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing-our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, “That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.” Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first. "

Pep talk time

I had to share this video because... #1 this kid is adorable and #2 the message is priceless. 

Need a pep talk? How about one from this cutie?? 

"There's work to be done! You can cry about it, or you can dance about it!"

"Boring is easy, but you're gooder than that." 

Enjoy...