journey.

What does a day hold? For all of us it's more than just a mere twenty-four hours. Within it lies the opportunity to live for more than self.

For me, a day can range from virtually saving a life to just hanging on by a thread trying to maintain my own.

I wear a lot of hats and I play a lot of roles in the lives of others. But some days I'm left asking - who am I to myself? Do I treat myself as well as I treat others? Do I care for my well being as much as I care for my children's? Who or what am I living for? At the end of the line what will my life have meant?

Then some serious self-talk kicks in...

"Overwhelmed or overworked, wherever life finds you, your life holds meaning. It's not on accident that you appeared on this celestial ball. It was on purpose... and to the max. "

I have to remind myself daily that I am more than the sum of my accomplishments. I am more than a dollar I can earn, a child I can sanely raise, or the reflection I see in the mirror. I am a soul and I have heart. Passion can either drive me to reach for more, or the fear of failure can crumble my ambitious heart.

It is a frightening thing to be know for who I fully am. It's terrifying to become vulnerable to another, because to be fully known means either one of two things can happen: 1) to be fully loved or 2) to be utterly rejected.

I would say that just a few short years ago I would have told you that there is only one who can fully love and fully know me- that is Jesus. As I age, as I become more cynical... and life hands me poop sandwiches... the less sure I am of this answer.

I know God loves me and that he made me "on purpose" and for a purpose. These things I am sure of.

Where I begin to waiver is the understanding, or lack thereof, for who or whom I am living for. Is it for self-gain, self-interest, self-ambition, or worse... self-defeat?

I am an observer. I watch people and make loosely-based conclusions about the divine based on what I see in people's lives. Over my years I have seen dedicated believers, fellow Christians and well-meaning God-lovers come and go. I have witnessed good people fall victim to bad people. I have witnessed bad people change and fall in love with God. I have seen godly men take advantage of people, power and possessions. I have seen churches fight, churches split, and families ruined. I've seen women radically come to Christ and change the course of their entire families. I've seen impoverished people blindly love a God who doesn't even provide them with enough "daily bread" to fill their bellies. I've seen groups of privileged people lay down their desires and live among the needy. Prayers go unanswered and unspoken prayers answered. 

I've also witnessed miracles in the emotional, physical and spiritual realms. I've seen the hand of God split the impossible and make our best laid efforts look like child's play when he moves mountains. I've heard the voice of God, the touch of the spirit and the comfort of the Lord. I've been lifted out of the pit of depression and brought out from under the shadow of fear.

How can I, then, deny that God's hand is evidently upon my life? I've not known a joy that compares to knowing Jesus intimately and wholly. Not even the most exhilarating moments I've experienced in life-seeking adventure and wealth can compare to the feeling of curling up in Abba's loving and capable arms.

If I'm not an accident, what is my purpose? Is God real? Does He care? Does He know I'm here? If so... then what does He require of me?

These are the answers I'm on a mission to discover. I won't be afraid of what I might find. Honestly and earnestly seeking the answers will surely leave me a little bruised, a little more jaded, but perhaps a little less disgruntled with Christianity and the people of faith called The Church. Hopefully... I'll be more pleasantly surprised versus unwittingly doubtful.

Death to hopelessness. I will ruin confusion. I will conquer the defeat of status-quo. I want to see God once again in a way unlike before: intensely. I want to see God under his spotlight and not behind the smoke and mirror show created by religious institutions. No more looking for answers to life's biggest questions under the guise of cult-like religions and faith groups.

It's you and me, God. Can you hear me? Because I'm listening.

People over possessions
Experiences over treasures
Self-discovery over self-infatuation
Lending a hand over getting a leg up