journey.

What does a day hold? For all of us it's more than just a mere twenty-four hours. Within it lies the opportunity to live for more than self.

For me, a day can range from virtually saving a life to just hanging on by a thread trying to maintain my own.

I wear a lot of hats and I play a lot of roles in the lives of others. But some days I'm left asking - who am I to myself? Do I treat myself as well as I treat others? Do I care for my well being as much as I care for my children's? Who or what am I living for? At the end of the line what will my life have meant?

Then some serious self-talk kicks in...

"Overwhelmed or overworked, wherever life finds you, your life holds meaning. It's not on accident that you appeared on this celestial ball. It was on purpose... and to the max. "

I have to remind myself daily that I am more than the sum of my accomplishments. I am more than a dollar I can earn, a child I can sanely raise, or the reflection I see in the mirror. I am a soul and I have heart. Passion can either drive me to reach for more, or the fear of failure can crumble my ambitious heart.

It is a frightening thing to be know for who I fully am. It's terrifying to become vulnerable to another, because to be fully known means either one of two things can happen: 1) to be fully loved or 2) to be utterly rejected.

I would say that just a few short years ago I would have told you that there is only one who can fully love and fully know me- that is Jesus. As I age, as I become more cynical... and life hands me poop sandwiches... the less sure I am of this answer.

I know God loves me and that he made me "on purpose" and for a purpose. These things I am sure of.

Where I begin to waiver is the understanding, or lack thereof, for who or whom I am living for. Is it for self-gain, self-interest, self-ambition, or worse... self-defeat?

I am an observer. I watch people and make loosely-based conclusions about the divine based on what I see in people's lives. Over my years I have seen dedicated believers, fellow Christians and well-meaning God-lovers come and go. I have witnessed good people fall victim to bad people. I have witnessed bad people change and fall in love with God. I have seen godly men take advantage of people, power and possessions. I have seen churches fight, churches split, and families ruined. I've seen women radically come to Christ and change the course of their entire families. I've seen impoverished people blindly love a God who doesn't even provide them with enough "daily bread" to fill their bellies. I've seen groups of privileged people lay down their desires and live among the needy. Prayers go unanswered and unspoken prayers answered. 

I've also witnessed miracles in the emotional, physical and spiritual realms. I've seen the hand of God split the impossible and make our best laid efforts look like child's play when he moves mountains. I've heard the voice of God, the touch of the spirit and the comfort of the Lord. I've been lifted out of the pit of depression and brought out from under the shadow of fear.

How can I, then, deny that God's hand is evidently upon my life? I've not known a joy that compares to knowing Jesus intimately and wholly. Not even the most exhilarating moments I've experienced in life-seeking adventure and wealth can compare to the feeling of curling up in Abba's loving and capable arms.

If I'm not an accident, what is my purpose? Is God real? Does He care? Does He know I'm here? If so... then what does He require of me?

These are the answers I'm on a mission to discover. I won't be afraid of what I might find. Honestly and earnestly seeking the answers will surely leave me a little bruised, a little more jaded, but perhaps a little less disgruntled with Christianity and the people of faith called The Church. Hopefully... I'll be more pleasantly surprised versus unwittingly doubtful.

Death to hopelessness. I will ruin confusion. I will conquer the defeat of status-quo. I want to see God once again in a way unlike before: intensely. I want to see God under his spotlight and not behind the smoke and mirror show created by religious institutions. No more looking for answers to life's biggest questions under the guise of cult-like religions and faith groups.

It's you and me, God. Can you hear me? Because I'm listening.

People over possessions
Experiences over treasures
Self-discovery over self-infatuation
Lending a hand over getting a leg up

timing is everything.

Timing... it's a booger.

I hate spring forward, but I love the extra hour of daylight at the end of a long workday. Driving to work today watching the sun come up made me feel wonderfully small in the scheme of this great big planet that keeps on spinning. Getting my kiddos ready for school this morning my daughter observed "Mom... it's still dark out! Why are we awake?" Good question, beautiful girl. 

I've been protesting timing during this season of my life. See, I'm a planner. As spontaneous as I would like to claim to be, I do have a slight issue with meticulously planning out my calendar. I think it boils down to a illogical fear of a blank little square that represents a day. This past year I have actually had to work at the discipline of recreation. 

Praying for God to hurry up, praying for God to slow things down. I just can't seem to find the balance. I'm rarely satisfied with His timing. Stubborn as an ox, I sometimes blaze my way through big (and small) decisions. 

In making plans, timing is everything. Isn't it? 

Dinner? 

Sure! 

What time? 

Take a vacation? 

Sure! 

When will it be? 

Change career paths?

You betcha!

When do we start?

While suffering I'm quick to beg for relief. When times are good and the sailing is smooth I never have cried "uncle." 

Have you ever waited for something for what seemed like an eternity? Have you begged for an answer to prayer and felt like it was falling on capable yet unresponsive ears? I have. And more times than I'd like to admit I've taken my fate into my own shaky hands. 

How does the old adage go? "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself." 

Well I've got a sassy answer for that... NOPE. 

Not when it comes to following Jesus. That's the beauty in the pain and struggle of waiting on the Lord's timing. As a friend laughingly said yesterday, "God doesn't ever seem to be in a hurry." Geesh oh Pete, I'm always in a hurry. I'm a fast reader, fast talker, fast runner, fast typist (I laid out this blog in no time flat), fast thinker, fast cleaner, fast cook, fast coffee drinker, fast texter, fast list-maker, (aaaaand done!). Frequently pleading my kids, "Hurry up," "Let's go," "PUT SOME DIESEL ON IT!"

Timing. It's a booger. 

You know what God says about endurance in the waiting... that it develops character. Character isn't developed over an hour. Maturity doesn't happen overnight. Wisdom isn't gained in a day

Romans 5:4 "And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."

This is either really good or really disheartening news. Today I'm like a racehorse restless in the starting gate. I want that sucker to fly open so I can run full speed.

Rather... Sit. Pray. Just do what Christ has set before me TODAY.

God is never late, and he's seldom early. Trusting in his perfect timing today.

"Can you spare a few bucks?"

Mercy triumphs over judgement. 

It was a normal weekday evening for the kids and I. We had just pulled into the parking lot at the YMCA when I was approached by a woman who appeared worn down and exhausted. She politely asked me if I had any cash I could spare so that she could get some gas for her car. 

See, when you're a parent you always have an audience. My little humans were watching this exchange between the woman and I, and I wanted to do right by God and by my children. The woman went on to explain that she was in poor health and was unable to reach any of her family members by phone to get help. All she needed was a few bucks to fill her tank to make it home. 

My response: "I honestly don't have any cash on me, otherwise I would help you! However... why don't I follow you to the gas station and I'll fill your tank?"

Woman: "Um, I could never ask you to do that (shocked look on her face)." 

Me: "You didn't ask... I offered. Where are you parked? I'll swing around and follow you to the gas station and use my debit card."

Woman: "I'm in the red car over there (points)."

I get back into the car and drive over to where she is parked. She backs out of her spot and I notice she is driving towards me. She pulls up next to me and motions for me to roll down my window. 

What happened next floored me. Absolutely took my breath away...

She says with tears streaming down her cheeks, "M'am, I straight up lied to you. I can't take your money, nor do I need gas. I have a full tank." Without hesitation I respond, "It's okay. Guess what? I love Jesus and I really think He's chasing you down with His love today." She begins to cry harder and says that today was the first time she had prayed in a long time. She is apologizing over and over, the guilt apparent in her face. I felt such compassion and even admiration for her repentant heart. I looked deeply into her eyes and said the words: "I forgive you." 

As she drove away the skies opened up and a torrential rain pours down and into my open car window. I'm crying by this point, thanking God in prayer for that precious moment He gifted me with. 

See, I've been struggling to forgive myself, to let God's grace penetrate my weathered heart. Forgiveness was the "word of the day" on that ordinary Monday. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Everytime. When God's grace reaches a heart, darkness and shame run for the hills. 

So why retell this story? Is it to put myself on display? To tell you just how awesome I am? NO. I tell this story because my faith came to vibrant life that evening through that random (maybe not random at all!) moment. 

It really is so much better to give than to receive. I walked away with a full heart and she drove away with an already full tank of gas... and a clean conscience. 

"fake it 'till you make it"

Identity.

This word has been tossing and turning in my heart as I awake into Monday morning. I'm determined to get to the bottom of what Jesus is teaching me in this season of life, but as I've quickly discovered... it must be in His timing.

Rushing into an identity isn't a true identity after all. Chances are it will change a few hundred times if not placed firmly in the rock that is Christ. (Pardon me while I do some self-talk... Hear this, dear heart: let God define you. Let Jesus bring you through the valley. Don't run ahead, don't look back. Just be. Don't identify with fear. Don't identify with worry. Don't identify with anxiety. Don't identify with anything other than the sweet deep-rooted knowledge of God's love for you. Are you hearing me, heart?)

I can't "fake it until I make it" when it comes to letting Christ mold and shape the ever so delicate heart within me that is desperate to know the ending to this story. If I derive my identity from this temporary carnal world, I will miss out on the tremendous gift that only serving Christ offers. Money, pleasure, popularity, beauty, respect, adventure... even as appealing as these things are- they fall incredibly short of the reward of knowing my God deeply and intimately.

The pastor at my church delivered a knock-out sermon yesterday morning. It was so moving and powerful that it was all I could do to hold back tears of joy because I knew it was a divine appointment that I heard this message. Ever had one of those moments?

She reminded that at times we calculate our present situations without Jesus in mind. She said two nuggets of wisdom that caused me to hit the pause button on my fretting (which I've done a LOT of these days):

"Can we give thanks to Jesus while our miracle in in transit?"

Yes. Yes, I can. I will wait on the Lord every day, every minute, every second. Wait on the Lord.

"Our memories are so short term for the provisions of Jesus." 

Yep. I've failed to remember and recognize when Jesus blew the roof of my wildest dreams and gave me more than I deserved... salvation, to start with.

Just like the story of the miracle of fishes and loaves in John 6:1-13, Jesus will fill us to overflowing if we let Him. Remember, heart, to return to the source.

Draw your identity from Jesus alone. Don't try to fake it until you make it.

"Just love people."

This afternoon was like any other Sunday afternoon. I was out running errands and gathering supplies for tonight's youth group meeting. I remembered I needed to fill up the tank for the week and stopped at the gas station. I was preoccupied with trying to remember my list for the store while my gas was being pumped (thanks, Jersey for that little joy- not having to pump my own gas!). It was raining like mad outside and I was watching the world pass by me through rain soaked windows from within a warm comfy car. Then I saw him.

To my left was sight I won't soon forget. I saw an old van with the side door open and a man moving about within the vehicle as if he were gathering something. I noticed he was sitting on the floor of his van which I thought was unusual. Then I saw him lower down onto the ground a wheelchair as the rain continued to pour. He shuffled toward the edge of the van door... and then I saw he was without legs. He was moving around by using his arms. He lowered himself onto his wheel chair and then I saw his dog peek out to see what his master was doing. Then he attached a rope to his collar and tied the other end of the rope to his chair.  

By this time the gas attendant was knocking on my window to signal me to roll it down in order to give me my receipt. He catches my gaze and notices where I've been staring and looks at the man and he watches the man for a moment too. It was if time had stood still when I was watching this all unfold. 

I don't know this man's name. I don't know his story, although I would desperately like to. I don't know where he is from, if he's local or if he's just passing through. What I do know is this--- God's spirit within me was convicting me for being selfish. I won't say something cliche like I don't know how good I have it when compared to this man. It goes much deeper than that.

I will say this- I've been selfish. Yeah, selfish. I had lost my perspective and Christ faithfully restored it to me today. 

It seems I've been caught up in my own circumstances, my own concerns, my own "needs." God spoke to me and said, "Just love people." My heart within me leaped at the sound of God's voice. I have been desperate for his touch, for his wisdom. I was searching for the wrong answer, or maybe I was asking the wrong questions. 

The longer I walk with God the more I realize how REALLY desperate I am for Him. I'm a mess without Christ. Just when I think I have this whole discerning God's will thing down, He is so faithful to remind me of the simple yet too easily forgotten call of every Christian- "love people." Can I just stop complicating it now? Jesus, take my heart, my will, my all. 

Humble Pie

I'm really thankful that God loves me enough to make sure I'm humbled time and time again. Learning to embrace the experiences that will inevitably humble me has been something I've had plenty of chances to practice lately. I have a choice when my ego is slightly hurt, a bit mangled or even brutally murdered: will I stand my ground cross my arms and grit my teeth? Will I get all bent out of shape and demand that justice be served? Or will I take a deep breath and push the pause button?

My dad shared a great nugget of wisdom with me a few months back about humility. He said, "People humiliate us. God humbles us." Such depth in that, isn't there?

I'm not advocating a victim mentality here. On the contrary! I refuse to refuse to take responsibility for my actions, my thoughts, my sin. When my ego takes a hit I'm given a divine moment to pause and consider how this situation can humble me with God's help. In struggles or setbacks therein lies a tremendous opportunity to grow.

Check out Moses in Numbers chapter 12. He is described this way, "Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth" (Num. 12:3). Whaaat? That's incredible. Now rewind to the book of Exodus and read of Moses killing an Egyptian solider because he thought he'd take matters into his own hands. He was defending his people (the Hebrew people who were still in captivity under the rule of Pharaoh) so he thought. Moses acted with his heart and his head disconnected. Then what did he do? He fled. He got the heck out of town because Pharaoh was out seeking revenge.

Fast forward. Moses had plenty of time to be humbled in the wilderness where he lived for a while. He felt humiliated by his peers and his behavior in Egypt, but God used it to humble him. See? It wasn't until Moses was humbled and pliable that God could then rescue an entire nation through him. I'm of course skipping a lot of crazy events that unfolded in Moses' life between the time he fled Egypt and then again when he returned to bring the boom with God's guidance and power.

So just how did Moses then become the man described as "the most humble person on the face of the earth?" He let God define him- not his failures nor his peers. He knew God was and he wasn't. He became so broken and humbled before God that he even took some convincing even when he heard, "Let's do this" (super-duper paraphrasing here) when staring into the very presence of God in the burning bush. Exodus 3 is crazy awesome, people. Read it!

I'm going to keep letting God humble me even when I feel humiliated. I may not get it on the first, second, or even third try. But, I'm pretty sure God will let me retake that test until I pass.

Today I'm walking in the confidence of who God is and who I am not.

temper-tantrum much?

Centered. 

Grounded.

Content.

Assured. 

vs.

Scattered.

Flippant.

Discontent.

Restless.

I'll admit I don't reflect the person described in the first list as much as I would like. At times it feels like I'm a perfect description of the second list and desperately trying to get away from that person... about as successfully as I can run away from my shadow! As I grow to know Jesus more deeply and see His great beauty and perfection I can't help but recognize what a mess I am without Him. And that, my friends, is a joyous relief. 

When life throws curve balls it's my human tendency to want to pound the ground, pitch a fit, and scream like a toddler. But as an adult, those behaviors aren't exactly "socially acceptable" for someone my age. (But boy, wouldn't it be nice if sometimes we could get away with a freebie "temper-tantrum-toddler" day? I mean seriously, if there is a "Talk Like a Pirate" day, why can't we have "Whine Like a Baby" day?)

When unexpected things happen or something doesn't pan out the way I had hoped, I do what any other self-respecting mature adult would do: I get grumpy. I tell God "that's not fair" or worse, I try to re-imagine my life if I had my way in everything. Ever let bitterness take root in your heart? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Suddenly you start looking a lot more like the second set of words up there. Yep. 

Jesus has been speaking volumes to me on this. Sometimes I laugh and ask Him when I'm going to finally get it and start living freely in His grace and love. Everyday we get a choice as Christians- will Jesus have His way in my life? Will I place Him before all else ('bae" for all you teens out there.) Or... or will I be scattered in my priorities, flippant to a person whom I called to love, let discontentment steal my joy, or grow restlessness in my heart? Try these words from Paul on for size... 

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13 NLT)

Bam. Is Jesus alive and well in my heart? If yes, then I'm at home. Home is where you can rest, put your feet up and be free to be you. With Jesus I am at home. Circumstances don't have a grip on me anymore. Suddenly circumstances lose their power to control my mood, my attitude, or my outlook. Simply put... Jesus loves me and that's all I need. I don't need to get my way to be happy. Nope. I need Jesus to have His way. Heck, I don't even have to be successful in life to find happiness. All I need is for Jesus to be at home in my heart.

Have your way in my heart, Jesus. Clear the discontentment away with a wave of your peace and love. Let me rest in being sold-out to your direction that spans the length of eternity.