"Can you spare a few bucks?"

Mercy triumphs over judgement. 

It was a normal weekday evening for the kids and I. We had just pulled into the parking lot at the YMCA when I was approached by a woman who appeared worn down and exhausted. She politely asked me if I had any cash I could spare so that she could get some gas for her car. 

See, when you're a parent you always have an audience. My little humans were watching this exchange between the woman and I, and I wanted to do right by God and by my children. The woman went on to explain that she was in poor health and was unable to reach any of her family members by phone to get help. All she needed was a few bucks to fill her tank to make it home. 

My response: "I honestly don't have any cash on me, otherwise I would help you! However... why don't I follow you to the gas station and I'll fill your tank?"

Woman: "Um, I could never ask you to do that (shocked look on her face)." 

Me: "You didn't ask... I offered. Where are you parked? I'll swing around and follow you to the gas station and use my debit card."

Woman: "I'm in the red car over there (points)."

I get back into the car and drive over to where she is parked. She backs out of her spot and I notice she is driving towards me. She pulls up next to me and motions for me to roll down my window. 

What happened next floored me. Absolutely took my breath away...

She says with tears streaming down her cheeks, "M'am, I straight up lied to you. I can't take your money, nor do I need gas. I have a full tank." Without hesitation I respond, "It's okay. Guess what? I love Jesus and I really think He's chasing you down with His love today." She begins to cry harder and says that today was the first time she had prayed in a long time. She is apologizing over and over, the guilt apparent in her face. I felt such compassion and even admiration for her repentant heart. I looked deeply into her eyes and said the words: "I forgive you." 

As she drove away the skies opened up and a torrential rain pours down and into my open car window. I'm crying by this point, thanking God in prayer for that precious moment He gifted me with. 

See, I've been struggling to forgive myself, to let God's grace penetrate my weathered heart. Forgiveness was the "word of the day" on that ordinary Monday. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Everytime. When God's grace reaches a heart, darkness and shame run for the hills. 

So why retell this story? Is it to put myself on display? To tell you just how awesome I am? NO. I tell this story because my faith came to vibrant life that evening through that random (maybe not random at all!) moment. 

It really is so much better to give than to receive. I walked away with a full heart and she drove away with an already full tank of gas... and a clean conscience. 

"fake it 'till you make it"

Identity.

This word has been tossing and turning in my heart as I awake into Monday morning. I'm determined to get to the bottom of what Jesus is teaching me in this season of life, but as I've quickly discovered... it must be in His timing.

Rushing into an identity isn't a true identity after all. Chances are it will change a few hundred times if not placed firmly in the rock that is Christ. (Pardon me while I do some self-talk... Hear this, dear heart: let God define you. Let Jesus bring you through the valley. Don't run ahead, don't look back. Just be. Don't identify with fear. Don't identify with worry. Don't identify with anxiety. Don't identify with anything other than the sweet deep-rooted knowledge of God's love for you. Are you hearing me, heart?)

I can't "fake it until I make it" when it comes to letting Christ mold and shape the ever so delicate heart within me that is desperate to know the ending to this story. If I derive my identity from this temporary carnal world, I will miss out on the tremendous gift that only serving Christ offers. Money, pleasure, popularity, beauty, respect, adventure... even as appealing as these things are- they fall incredibly short of the reward of knowing my God deeply and intimately.

The pastor at my church delivered a knock-out sermon yesterday morning. It was so moving and powerful that it was all I could do to hold back tears of joy because I knew it was a divine appointment that I heard this message. Ever had one of those moments?

She reminded that at times we calculate our present situations without Jesus in mind. She said two nuggets of wisdom that caused me to hit the pause button on my fretting (which I've done a LOT of these days):

"Can we give thanks to Jesus while our miracle in in transit?"

Yes. Yes, I can. I will wait on the Lord every day, every minute, every second. Wait on the Lord.

"Our memories are so short term for the provisions of Jesus." 

Yep. I've failed to remember and recognize when Jesus blew the roof of my wildest dreams and gave me more than I deserved... salvation, to start with.

Just like the story of the miracle of fishes and loaves in John 6:1-13, Jesus will fill us to overflowing if we let Him. Remember, heart, to return to the source.

Draw your identity from Jesus alone. Don't try to fake it until you make it.

"Just love people."

This afternoon was like any other Sunday afternoon. I was out running errands and gathering supplies for tonight's youth group meeting. I remembered I needed to fill up the tank for the week and stopped at the gas station. I was preoccupied with trying to remember my list for the store while my gas was being pumped (thanks, Jersey for that little joy- not having to pump my own gas!). It was raining like mad outside and I was watching the world pass by me through rain soaked windows from within a warm comfy car. Then I saw him.

To my left was sight I won't soon forget. I saw an old van with the side door open and a man moving about within the vehicle as if he were gathering something. I noticed he was sitting on the floor of his van which I thought was unusual. Then I saw him lower down onto the ground a wheelchair as the rain continued to pour. He shuffled toward the edge of the van door... and then I saw he was without legs. He was moving around by using his arms. He lowered himself onto his wheel chair and then I saw his dog peek out to see what his master was doing. Then he attached a rope to his collar and tied the other end of the rope to his chair.  

By this time the gas attendant was knocking on my window to signal me to roll it down in order to give me my receipt. He catches my gaze and notices where I've been staring and looks at the man and he watches the man for a moment too. It was if time had stood still when I was watching this all unfold. 

I don't know this man's name. I don't know his story, although I would desperately like to. I don't know where he is from, if he's local or if he's just passing through. What I do know is this--- God's spirit within me was convicting me for being selfish. I won't say something cliche like I don't know how good I have it when compared to this man. It goes much deeper than that.

I will say this- I've been selfish. Yeah, selfish. I had lost my perspective and Christ faithfully restored it to me today. 

It seems I've been caught up in my own circumstances, my own concerns, my own "needs." God spoke to me and said, "Just love people." My heart within me leaped at the sound of God's voice. I have been desperate for his touch, for his wisdom. I was searching for the wrong answer, or maybe I was asking the wrong questions. 

The longer I walk with God the more I realize how REALLY desperate I am for Him. I'm a mess without Christ. Just when I think I have this whole discerning God's will thing down, He is so faithful to remind me of the simple yet too easily forgotten call of every Christian- "love people." Can I just stop complicating it now? Jesus, take my heart, my will, my all. 

Humble Pie

I'm really thankful that God loves me enough to make sure I'm humbled time and time again. Learning to embrace the experiences that will inevitably humble me has been something I've had plenty of chances to practice lately. I have a choice when my ego is slightly hurt, a bit mangled or even brutally murdered: will I stand my ground cross my arms and grit my teeth? Will I get all bent out of shape and demand that justice be served? Or will I take a deep breath and push the pause button?

My dad shared a great nugget of wisdom with me a few months back about humility. He said, "People humiliate us. God humbles us." Such depth in that, isn't there?

I'm not advocating a victim mentality here. On the contrary! I refuse to refuse to take responsibility for my actions, my thoughts, my sin. When my ego takes a hit I'm given a divine moment to pause and consider how this situation can humble me with God's help. In struggles or setbacks therein lies a tremendous opportunity to grow.

Check out Moses in Numbers chapter 12. He is described this way, "Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth" (Num. 12:3). Whaaat? That's incredible. Now rewind to the book of Exodus and read of Moses killing an Egyptian solider because he thought he'd take matters into his own hands. He was defending his people (the Hebrew people who were still in captivity under the rule of Pharaoh) so he thought. Moses acted with his heart and his head disconnected. Then what did he do? He fled. He got the heck out of town because Pharaoh was out seeking revenge.

Fast forward. Moses had plenty of time to be humbled in the wilderness where he lived for a while. He felt humiliated by his peers and his behavior in Egypt, but God used it to humble him. See? It wasn't until Moses was humbled and pliable that God could then rescue an entire nation through him. I'm of course skipping a lot of crazy events that unfolded in Moses' life between the time he fled Egypt and then again when he returned to bring the boom with God's guidance and power.

So just how did Moses then become the man described as "the most humble person on the face of the earth?" He let God define him- not his failures nor his peers. He knew God was and he wasn't. He became so broken and humbled before God that he even took some convincing even when he heard, "Let's do this" (super-duper paraphrasing here) when staring into the very presence of God in the burning bush. Exodus 3 is crazy awesome, people. Read it!

I'm going to keep letting God humble me even when I feel humiliated. I may not get it on the first, second, or even third try. But, I'm pretty sure God will let me retake that test until I pass.

Today I'm walking in the confidence of who God is and who I am not.

temper-tantrum much?

Centered. 

Grounded.

Content.

Assured. 

vs.

Scattered.

Flippant.

Discontent.

Restless.

I'll admit I don't reflect the person described in the first list as much as I would like. At times it feels like I'm a perfect description of the second list and desperately trying to get away from that person... about as successfully as I can run away from my shadow! As I grow to know Jesus more deeply and see His great beauty and perfection I can't help but recognize what a mess I am without Him. And that, my friends, is a joyous relief. 

When life throws curve balls it's my human tendency to want to pound the ground, pitch a fit, and scream like a toddler. But as an adult, those behaviors aren't exactly "socially acceptable" for someone my age. (But boy, wouldn't it be nice if sometimes we could get away with a freebie "temper-tantrum-toddler" day? I mean seriously, if there is a "Talk Like a Pirate" day, why can't we have "Whine Like a Baby" day?)

When unexpected things happen or something doesn't pan out the way I had hoped, I do what any other self-respecting mature adult would do: I get grumpy. I tell God "that's not fair" or worse, I try to re-imagine my life if I had my way in everything. Ever let bitterness take root in your heart? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Suddenly you start looking a lot more like the second set of words up there. Yep. 

Jesus has been speaking volumes to me on this. Sometimes I laugh and ask Him when I'm going to finally get it and start living freely in His grace and love. Everyday we get a choice as Christians- will Jesus have His way in my life? Will I place Him before all else ('bae" for all you teens out there.) Or... or will I be scattered in my priorities, flippant to a person whom I called to love, let discontentment steal my joy, or grow restlessness in my heart? Try these words from Paul on for size... 

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13 NLT)

Bam. Is Jesus alive and well in my heart? If yes, then I'm at home. Home is where you can rest, put your feet up and be free to be you. With Jesus I am at home. Circumstances don't have a grip on me anymore. Suddenly circumstances lose their power to control my mood, my attitude, or my outlook. Simply put... Jesus loves me and that's all I need. I don't need to get my way to be happy. Nope. I need Jesus to have His way. Heck, I don't even have to be successful in life to find happiness. All I need is for Jesus to be at home in my heart.

Have your way in my heart, Jesus. Clear the discontentment away with a wave of your peace and love. Let me rest in being sold-out to your direction that spans the length of eternity. 

counting the cost

As I lay here on my air mattress on the second floor of Broad Street Ministry in the heart of Philly my head and heart swim with thoughts of God, love, and truth. 

Working here among the community of this group of ordinary radicals that daily put others needs before their own causes me to pause and consider myself in light of what I'm witnessing. Go with me on this... When Jesus spoke in Luke 14:26 he used some pretty strict language: 

"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple." 

Counting the cost of fervent pursuit of Christ is sobering. Living a life that forsakes all of our human desires and worldly pursuits in order to place Jesus will be a constant struggle between flesh and spirit. I wrestle with this on a daily basis. Am I going to keep to the confines of my self perceived comfort zone? Or am I going to follow Christ at all costs? 

When God rescued me at the age of 14 I knew that I was in for the most adventurous life I could possibly live- all in humble loving submission to Jesus my Savior. God's grace continues to amaze me more and more in light of what I mess I am without Him. The only thing that's good in me is Jesus. 

I was texting with my dad the other night about theology, following Jesus, and discerning God's will (you know, the usual texting conversations- hah). I was expressing how I struggle between wanting to follow Christ no matter what, and the nagging human heart that beats inside me to a selfish march onward to self-gratification. What a real struggle that is for (I would venture to say) most Christians. 

So back to the passage in Luke- one commentary reads, "no earthly affection, must ever come into competition with the love of God." Alright. I will most certainly have to submit to this daily, even hourly. God didn't promise us comfort- in fact, he guarantees trials (James chapter 1, honey). 

Counting the cost of a life lived for God is a good and faith-building practice, yes. But to that I would also say- counting the cost of not following Christ is far more sobering and humbling. It gives a lot of eternal perspective. 

complicated simplicity.

As I sat down for breakfast with my kids this morning and grabbed my daily devotional book to read and spend time with Jesus, I casually said aloud "Let's see what Jesus wants to say today." 

My son didn't skip a beat when he replied with exuberance, "Jesus wants us to worship Him today!" 

We've all heard the idiom "out of the mouths of babes..." haven't we? Did you know that comes from a verse in Matthew in the Bible? Check it out:

And said unto him, Do you hear what these say? And Jesus said unto them, Yea; have you never read, Out of the mouth of babes and infants you have perfected praise? (Matt. 21:16)

I've been having this problem that maybe you can relate to. My head has been swimming this past month... thoughts of ministry, thoughts of feeding His sheep (as he commands all disciples to do if they love Him), thoughts of how to make waves for the Kingdom, thoughts of loving people with the kind of furious love Jesus shows, thoughts of how I can better get out of the way and let Jesus shine brighter in our youth ministry, thoughts of how to connect people to deep relationships with one another that create an environment ripe for discipleship,thoughts of how I want to live my life for Jesus to the very last minute, thoughts of Christ's passion for redemption, thoughts of how to be filled daily with the Holy Spirit, and the list goes on and on. Huge thoughts. Stuff that keeps me awake at night and dedicated to prayer.

Sometimes... wait, no MOST times I complicate things that are meant to remain simple. Is this ever the case for you? I think we as humans are good at that. For instance, let's look at the modern day Christian church. Our church's mission statement: Be Disciples, Make Disciples. Concise, easy to understand, boom. Okay... so I'm left asking Jesus, "How do we do this?"

Owen answered it this morning, didn't he? He responded with such sincerity and almost like a "duh, I'm surprised you didn't already know that, Mom." attitude.

Worship Him. That's what God wants me to do today. Concise, easy to understand, boom. A life lived for Christ and full of His power will outlive itself. Love that envelops even the darkest of injustices. That, my friends, is unstoppable.

Theology, technology, method-ology church-ology, currciculum-ology, program-ology, (and any other "ology" that I just made up) standing alone won't get anyone any closer to Jesus if they are still wandering around in the dark. Let Jesus turn the lights on! Jesus didn't build an empire and then sit back and wait for others to come to Him. He got his feet dirty and walked among us. He was homeless, a radical, a ground shaker, a healer, a lover, a jealous God on an eternal mission. And what's more... he didn't just get His feet dirty... He washed our dirty feet (an act of total humility that modeled for us what it means to minister with a servant's heart. Matt. 26)

So what motivates a heart to worship Jesus? Love. Perfect, radical, unconditional, ruthless, fearless, I-will-pursue-you-to-the-end LOVE.

When I think of my Savior, my sin that held him to the cross, the debt He paid that I could not, and all that He is to me... I cannot help but worship Him. That I will lovingly term "I-am-not-but-He-is-ology." I am dedicating my life to the study of Jesus and His vast love for humanity that is unparalleled.

That's what Jesus wanted to say to me (and maybe you) today.