temper-tantrum much?

Centered. 

Grounded.

Content.

Assured. 

vs.

Scattered.

Flippant.

Discontent.

Restless.

I'll admit I don't reflect the person described in the first list as much as I would like. At times it feels like I'm a perfect description of the second list and desperately trying to get away from that person... about as successfully as I can run away from my shadow! As I grow to know Jesus more deeply and see His great beauty and perfection I can't help but recognize what a mess I am without Him. And that, my friends, is a joyous relief. 

When life throws curve balls it's my human tendency to want to pound the ground, pitch a fit, and scream like a toddler. But as an adult, those behaviors aren't exactly "socially acceptable" for someone my age. (But boy, wouldn't it be nice if sometimes we could get away with a freebie "temper-tantrum-toddler" day? I mean seriously, if there is a "Talk Like a Pirate" day, why can't we have "Whine Like a Baby" day?)

When unexpected things happen or something doesn't pan out the way I had hoped, I do what any other self-respecting mature adult would do: I get grumpy. I tell God "that's not fair" or worse, I try to re-imagine my life if I had my way in everything. Ever let bitterness take root in your heart? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Suddenly you start looking a lot more like the second set of words up there. Yep. 

Jesus has been speaking volumes to me on this. Sometimes I laugh and ask Him when I'm going to finally get it and start living freely in His grace and love. Everyday we get a choice as Christians- will Jesus have His way in my life? Will I place Him before all else ('bae" for all you teens out there.) Or... or will I be scattered in my priorities, flippant to a person whom I called to love, let discontentment steal my joy, or grow restlessness in my heart? Try these words from Paul on for size... 

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13 NLT)

Bam. Is Jesus alive and well in my heart? If yes, then I'm at home. Home is where you can rest, put your feet up and be free to be you. With Jesus I am at home. Circumstances don't have a grip on me anymore. Suddenly circumstances lose their power to control my mood, my attitude, or my outlook. Simply put... Jesus loves me and that's all I need. I don't need to get my way to be happy. Nope. I need Jesus to have His way. Heck, I don't even have to be successful in life to find happiness. All I need is for Jesus to be at home in my heart.

Have your way in my heart, Jesus. Clear the discontentment away with a wave of your peace and love. Let me rest in being sold-out to your direction that spans the length of eternity. 

counting the cost

As I lay here on my air mattress on the second floor of Broad Street Ministry in the heart of Philly my head and heart swim with thoughts of God, love, and truth. 

Working here among the community of this group of ordinary radicals that daily put others needs before their own causes me to pause and consider myself in light of what I'm witnessing. Go with me on this... When Jesus spoke in Luke 14:26 he used some pretty strict language: 

"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple." 

Counting the cost of fervent pursuit of Christ is sobering. Living a life that forsakes all of our human desires and worldly pursuits in order to place Jesus will be a constant struggle between flesh and spirit. I wrestle with this on a daily basis. Am I going to keep to the confines of my self perceived comfort zone? Or am I going to follow Christ at all costs? 

When God rescued me at the age of 14 I knew that I was in for the most adventurous life I could possibly live- all in humble loving submission to Jesus my Savior. God's grace continues to amaze me more and more in light of what I mess I am without Him. The only thing that's good in me is Jesus. 

I was texting with my dad the other night about theology, following Jesus, and discerning God's will (you know, the usual texting conversations- hah). I was expressing how I struggle between wanting to follow Christ no matter what, and the nagging human heart that beats inside me to a selfish march onward to self-gratification. What a real struggle that is for (I would venture to say) most Christians. 

So back to the passage in Luke- one commentary reads, "no earthly affection, must ever come into competition with the love of God." Alright. I will most certainly have to submit to this daily, even hourly. God didn't promise us comfort- in fact, he guarantees trials (James chapter 1, honey). 

Counting the cost of a life lived for God is a good and faith-building practice, yes. But to that I would also say- counting the cost of not following Christ is far more sobering and humbling. It gives a lot of eternal perspective. 

complicated simplicity.

As I sat down for breakfast with my kids this morning and grabbed my daily devotional book to read and spend time with Jesus, I casually said aloud "Let's see what Jesus wants to say today." 

My son didn't skip a beat when he replied with exuberance, "Jesus wants us to worship Him today!" 

We've all heard the idiom "out of the mouths of babes..." haven't we? Did you know that comes from a verse in Matthew in the Bible? Check it out:

And said unto him, Do you hear what these say? And Jesus said unto them, Yea; have you never read, Out of the mouth of babes and infants you have perfected praise? (Matt. 21:16)

I've been having this problem that maybe you can relate to. My head has been swimming this past month... thoughts of ministry, thoughts of feeding His sheep (as he commands all disciples to do if they love Him), thoughts of how to make waves for the Kingdom, thoughts of loving people with the kind of furious love Jesus shows, thoughts of how I can better get out of the way and let Jesus shine brighter in our youth ministry, thoughts of how to connect people to deep relationships with one another that create an environment ripe for discipleship,thoughts of how I want to live my life for Jesus to the very last minute, thoughts of Christ's passion for redemption, thoughts of how to be filled daily with the Holy Spirit, and the list goes on and on. Huge thoughts. Stuff that keeps me awake at night and dedicated to prayer.

Sometimes... wait, no MOST times I complicate things that are meant to remain simple. Is this ever the case for you? I think we as humans are good at that. For instance, let's look at the modern day Christian church. Our church's mission statement: Be Disciples, Make Disciples. Concise, easy to understand, boom. Okay... so I'm left asking Jesus, "How do we do this?"

Owen answered it this morning, didn't he? He responded with such sincerity and almost like a "duh, I'm surprised you didn't already know that, Mom." attitude.

Worship Him. That's what God wants me to do today. Concise, easy to understand, boom. A life lived for Christ and full of His power will outlive itself. Love that envelops even the darkest of injustices. That, my friends, is unstoppable.

Theology, technology, method-ology church-ology, currciculum-ology, program-ology, (and any other "ology" that I just made up) standing alone won't get anyone any closer to Jesus if they are still wandering around in the dark. Let Jesus turn the lights on! Jesus didn't build an empire and then sit back and wait for others to come to Him. He got his feet dirty and walked among us. He was homeless, a radical, a ground shaker, a healer, a lover, a jealous God on an eternal mission. And what's more... he didn't just get His feet dirty... He washed our dirty feet (an act of total humility that modeled for us what it means to minister with a servant's heart. Matt. 26)

So what motivates a heart to worship Jesus? Love. Perfect, radical, unconditional, ruthless, fearless, I-will-pursue-you-to-the-end LOVE.

When I think of my Savior, my sin that held him to the cross, the debt He paid that I could not, and all that He is to me... I cannot help but worship Him. That I will lovingly term "I-am-not-but-He-is-ology." I am dedicating my life to the study of Jesus and His vast love for humanity that is unparalleled.

That's what Jesus wanted to say to me (and maybe you) today. 

Be in the moment

Have you ever been so deep in conversation that instead of being a good listener all you could think about was what you planned on saying next? Almost as though you’re planning your next move, or preparing for your turn to speak? Maybe I’m alone in this. Maybe not. Sometimes my mind races to the next minute rather than sitting still in the moment. 

In Luke 21, Jesus is pulling back the curtain, so to speak, on what is to come. Some of the followers that were with Him would face great persecution for their faith in Jesus as the Messiah. He said to them in verse 12, “You will be dragged into synagogues and prisons, and you will stand trial before kings and governors because you are my followers." Can you imagine what your response may have been if you were one of the original hearers of this foretelling? Heavy indeed! Maybe you would start counting the cost? 

Jesus is saying to us as believers that we will face persecution, rejection, divided families and friendships, and trials because of our commitment to Jesus. He goes on to encourage in the next breath: “But this will be your opportunity to tell them about me. So don’t worry in advance about how to answer the charges against you, for I will give you the right words and such wisdom that none of your opponents will be able to reply or refute you!" 

So here it is… Jesus is saying don’t worry how to answer. When I read this, I think to myself “Sure, don’t worry how to answer. Got it. Don’t think ahead to your next move. Don’t try to get the last word. Got it. Sigh I know myself and … that’s not going to be easy.”  

Jesus is promising that the Holy Spirit will give guidance in the moments that we face. He promises that the words He gives us will be right and full of wisdom… so much so that no one will be able to refute them! Why is it that I continue to try to think “one step ahead” of Jesus? Anyone else relate to that? I’ve spent hours on my knees asking Jesus for direction, revelations, His will, etc. Jesus is telling us in verse 13 that when we face trials, disagreements, broken hearts… this, my friend, is a joyful opportunity to tell people of Jesus. To know the very heart of God far outweighs preserving my own life.

The Holy Spirit will guide our words. The Creator of the Universe knows our next move before we can even plan it … and still loves us still. Be in the moment with Jesus. (Like we tell our teens in Ignite… be with the people you’re with i.e. unplug from your electronics!) Stand firm in your faith trusting in God’s kingdom come.

Don’t think, “If my Christian life only looked more like this or that, then Jesus would love me or guide me.”  I encourage you to pray for more of Jesus this week. Pray for more of the Holy Spirit in your life. Seek Jesus before you plan your next move, sentence, or breath for that matter. I’m right there with you, family. I need the Holy Spirit to guide more than I need to be understood by those around me. I need Jesus more than I need my reputation to be intact. I need God’s love more and more every day. 

Stand firm in your faith. Stand sure that the Holy Spirit can guide your next move. Kneel humbly before your God. Jesus faced unthinkable hardships just a few chapters later… yet He took the time to encourage us. Undeserved grace, indeed. 

Lay It Down

It stopped me dead in my tracks. In the middle of my kiddo's breakfast clean up and play-doh chaos, I heard it. 

I promise I'm not trying to be dramatic. When I heard this song beautifully float through the air in my home (courtesy of Pandora radio) this morning, I had no choice but to stop and steep in the lyrics and beautiful simplicity of this melody. Watch the live performance: Matt Maher "Lay It Down" 

This song completely embodies the prayer my hopelessly human heart needed to pray today. 

See, I've been hiding from God lately. Hiding, but not in the sense of running from Him. No... that's not the case. I've been hiding from his grace. Crazy, right? Why would I ever hide from God's immense love and stain removing grace? I have the unconditional love of the Savior covering me, so why does my wayward heart choose to "hunker down" and continue in joy-quenching self criticism? 

Jesus wants our all. Not just some... our everything. He wants our joy, our blessings, our hurt, our disappointments, our sin, and to silence the voices in your head that tell you you're not good enough. The only way that we can live in his truth is to give Him the lies we've been holding onto. 

No act of sacrifice for Jesus can mask His grace for me. Trying harder to have Billy Graham-type faith won't get me there. Even faith is a gift of grace from Jesus. See? I'm left holding nothing to offer Jesus even despite my best efforts... and that's the way it should be. 

Everything I am, everything I long to be... I lay it down at Your feet. 

Grace fell like rain on my parched soul today. Thank you, Jesus, that I have nothing to offer you but my life. Thank you, Jesus, that you never stop even when we foolishly say "time-out" to your love. 

Lay it down with me, friends, and let's make our hands empty so that we are ready to receive more of Jesus. 

Snow day

This winter has been so exciting for me. I haven't seen snow in almost 10 years, and boy are we getting plenty of it! 

But it's not the snow in particular that I'm childishly happy about... it's just being in the place that God called us to that's way more exciting and thoroughly satisfying than even the most perfect snow angel. 

(winter fashion courtesy of my pastor's family and my jacket is literally from when I was in middle school)

It's hard to believe that I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of being at Woodstown Presbyterian Church. I know it sounds cliche, but it really feels like we rolled into Woodstown just last week! The church has been so helpful and welcoming to my family and I. It's not always easy moving to a new area with a "small town" ring to it. God has been reassuring me that this is my mission field- as is the whole world to all believers! 

And what can I say about the youth ministry here? It's been incredible. In word, this year has been immersion. Immersion into the teen culture of south Jersey, immersion into God's calling us deeper into his presence, immersion into living life that's rich in mission, immersion into the reality of eternity, immersion into a close-knit community of young people. 

The young people in my youth ministry (Ignite is the name of our group) are unlike any other teens I've ministered to. These teens have such expectant hearts, and by that I mean they aren't willing to settle for status-quo Christianity. They want to see, feel, touch, taste, and smell God. Yes, God has a smell. Just ask my best friend who did a whole sermon on that once!! 

My students want to be motivated to action, and time after time I've watched them rise to the challenge- whether it was painting curbs in the heart of Camden, raking leaves for families in the area, or taking up the call to go on mission in the Dominican Republic. And, this summer we are excited to be planning a week-long mission in the heart of Philly partnering with a church who excels in homeless ministry. They are thrilled at the idea of sleeping on the floor in a hot church, traveling by public transportation every day to the various worksites around the city, and living alongside the "least of these" that Jesus loves and wants us to love. They are THRILLED! 

I absolutely love their enthusiasm and honesty. This year has been immersion into relationships, and that's the way I love doing ministry. That's the way Jesus did it, right? Isn't that the phrase we use to describe a more than mediocre Christian life? We want a relationship with Jesus! 

My team of youth leaders are in word: incredible. I love every one of them, and I love doing what I do because it frees them up to solidifying heart connections with their small group students. The generosity they show to the ministry is inspiring- their time, thoughtfulness, resources, prayer--- it's the best a youth director could ever ask for!! I'm praising God for them because they make this ministry what it is. They are the peanut butter to my jelly. 

I just had a funny closing thought. My personality tends to see the glass half-empty (as some would say), and so really one of the few times I get this excited and positive is when I'm thinking about my youth ministry. That's how you know this is my calling--- it energizes me! That's just a little insight into what Jeff would say is my tendency toward being a pessimist, but I argue back that I'm just a realist. Hah! 

The reality of WPC and Ignite is that God is on the move among our church body. Hearts are being healed, lives are being filled with God's beauty and truth, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be a part of that. Snow and all, I love my church. 

"act a fool"

"Act a fool" as defined by the urban dictionary: "To stop acting rationally and start acting foolishly; to go nuts." I believe it was Ludacris that made this term pretty popular a while back... hehe. 

But he didn't coin the phrase. Nope...

"Act a fool" as defined by the Bible (my own paraphrasing of 1 Corinthians 1:27-29, look it up): deliberately choosing the things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. Choosing the powerless to shame the powerful. Choosing the despised things instead of the seemingly important things.

Yes... I stop acting rationally and start acting foolishly quite a bit. Just ask my kids and husband for that matter. Last night was one of those times. 

I went "off script" a bit at youth group with my senior highers last night. Ever have butterflies when you know you should say something but can't work up the courage to do it? One of my adult youth leaders phrases it like this: "shoulda', coulda', woulda'." Don't resist the urge to speak when you know you should. All in love, of course. 

I had an incredible time with God in prayer a few weeks back. Nothing like I've experienced before. Risking sounding like a fool, I shared this with my youth group last night. 

God's been doing some pretty wild things in my life lately. A surge of the Spirit has been felt in and among my family, my church, my youth. For three years now God has been reminding me that His ways are going to seem foolish. His ways are not going to be what my first logical choice may be. We are to love the unlovable. To reach the unreachable. To listen to the fools. Heck, to be fools for God.

Carefully calculating is not nearly as exciting as free-falling into God's story. Acting rationally will only get predictable, safe, (in my opinion) boring results. 

When I was a teen, I wanted to be a rebel with a cause. When I was in college, I wanted to be an intellect. When I was a young married woman, I wanted to be Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart (I even bought a super cute apron). When I became a young mom, I wanted to be the perfect Christian for my kid's sake.  I'm tired of trying to be a smart put-together Christian. 

Because the truth is I'm a fool for Christ. I invite you to try "act a fool" once in a while with God.